We are all
now part of this journey of grief. As a family we suffer
immensely every day our loss of Ryan, but I have felt led
to have a place on the website that anyone who wanted
could come to find reflections on the "Grief
Journey". I hope many of you will add comments,
questions, or suggestions to others about how you are
handling or not handling your own grief (not just about
Ryan but perhaps others you know or loved that you have
loss over).
One thing I quickly observed about this tragedy of
losing a son – human nature pushes most of us to try to
comfort those around us in pain. I have felt so blessed by
many of you "just being there" even if words don’t
seem to come. (There is obviously a feeling of
"incompetence" about what we should say or do
and I’ll have more to say about what I personally need
in some following words.)
We would like this column on grief to remain
"dynamic" .. meaning that I would like to put
some structure to it, but let it go where it will based on
input from others and just observations of my own and my
family.
Early Reflections
I have quickly sensed that I can only move through each
moment based on what I have many times referred to as the
"3 F’s" – Faith, Family, and Friends. And
much like a 3-legged stool, if any one of the legs is
missing I don’t seem to be supported very well.
Certainly the rawness is still very present – the
accident happened on November 2nd and as I
write this first column we are almost coming up on 7
weeks. As some of you know there are already certain
things that you will probably hear from me – first about
the word "closure" and then about the "3 F’s"
of support.
What about Closure?
For me whoever came up this word was certainly never
part of a deep pain process. Do you think as a parent that
I would ever want to consider Ryan’s death closed? I
know that many of you would say that it is part of the
healing process (perhaps that is what we should say instead) – I hope you can get some healing through all of
this – we have a deep wound and now it is fresh, it
needs lots of redressing and bandaging .. as time passes I
anticipate a permanent scar – the memory of Ryan will
never go away for me and for my family so there will never
be closure.
I would rather use the word "OPENING" …
Ryan and Erin’s (the girl riding with Ryan) death should
open us all up to a number of life’s offerings:
Let’s "open" our gift – we should live
each day to the fullest as every moment is precious and
once you live it you can never retrieve it
Let’s be "open" to honoring Ryan and the
wonderful life that he lived – with passion, with goals,
with confidence, with humor, and with a hidden heart (he
was compassionate without being showy about it).
Let’s "open" ourselves to each other –
realizing that life with each other is special, limited,
and sacred. Let’s not be afraid to tell each other that
"I love you" … not just because we may lose
the one we love in the next moment, but as much because
the person you are giving the blessing to needs to hear
the words and feel your genuine affection to feel
fulfilled.
How have the "F’s" helped me so far?
Faith
I have been a Christian most of my life, I grew up a
preacher’s kid, and have certainly had varying degrees
of commitment as an adult but have always had an
underlying confidence in God’s gift of his son to the
world and his continuing presence in my life.
Certainly I have been shaken to the core and feel like
Job on most days. Is this a test? Will I make it to the
finals? Why Ryan? Why not me? Why do bad things happen to
children in the prime of life?
I have no answers, but like Job, I remain faithful to
God because of my confidence that faith will sustain,
comfort, and give me courage to travel this incredible
journey of pain and confusion.
Family
What a blessing to have an incredible amount of family
that supports me continually – My mother and father,
four siblings and their families, my incredibly strong
wife, my special daughter, and 3 great step-daughters.
We all have to do this journey in our own way, but I
know I can count on any or all of my family to support me
one more step each day. I cherish this blessing and pray
every day that I not ever take this for granted.
Friends
In a crisis like this I have found that my ability to
"read" people seems to be enhanced greatly. I
know even more quickly if you are genuine in your concern
or just handing out a platitude. I have been so blessed by
the expressions of cards, phone calls, cooked meals, etc
and although you may not think you are doing much, I have
benefited greatly by each and every remembrance – as you
honor me you honor my son and that means so much to me
now.